This book was good overall I would rate it an 8/10 and I would definitely recommend it to a friend. Let’s start first with the cons of the book. The book is broken up in sections that sort of build upon each other so each section sort of runs into the next and while this does make for reinforcing the points in the book, it makes things a bit repetitive. Really I feel like this book could’ve been summed up in four or five chapters instead of seven, but for some one who is genuinely frustrated with themselves and stuck I think the reiteration throughout the book would be helpful. The second thing is the term psychic thinking. I understand the point she was making but I just don’t like the terminology it’s sort of misleading she really could’ve just said assumptions and outdated egotistical conclusions. She does go on to explain the importance of regulating our instincts and leaning into intuition though. Lastly, I wish this book actually gave more action based steps. Everything is so thoroughly laid out from a mental perspective it would be nice to have some concrete actions to work through as we build our mental understanding of these concepts.
Now, pros I absolutely love the overall content and concept of the book. It really shows you how you became the mountain standing in your way, and what you need to do mentally to begin the climb. I really like how she is really no such thing as self sabotage and shows us how I’m attempting to protect ourselves we get stuck in complacency, lack, and lies. This book pushes us to hold ourselves accountable, let go of the self deception and denial, and get honest about who you really are and what you truly value. It pushes us to check our biases, leads us to question our conditioning, regulate our judgements and see the truth. It may be w hard pill to swallow for those who don’t like taking accountability or facing themselves this might be a tough read, but if you’re ready for change crack the book open and read it now don’t hesitate.
Below I’ve included some key points and excerpts from each chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter 1 Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism, Its what happens when we refuse to consciously meet our innermost needs, often because we do not believe we are capable of handling them. Self-sabotage comes from irrational fear. Sometimes, our most sabotaging behaviors are really the result of long-held and unexamined fears we have about the world and ourselves. Self-sabotage can also from unconscious, negative associations. This pattern is also one of the first signs that your inner narrative is outdated, limiting, or simply incorrect. Self-sabotage comes from what’s unfamiliar. Human beings experience a natural resistance to the unknown, because it is essentially the ultimate loss of control. This is true even if what’s “unknown” is benevolent or even beneficial to us. You must first and foremost get out of denial and into clarity about what’s really wrong. At this point, you have a choice: You can make peace, or you can commit to changing. The lingering is what is keeping you stuck .Self-sabotage can be a way of protecting ourselves from the unknown, even if the outcome might be a good or desired one. We are responsible for learning about ourselves and the ways we self-sabotage. We are accountable for our own lives and actions. We must do the work in order to face ourselves and change for the better.
Chapter 2 One of the biggest lessons in overcoming self-sabotage is disconnecting our actions and feelings. Our feelings do not always reflect what is going on in reality. We might feel extremely overwhelmed, anxious, and uncomfortable when challenging our self-sabotaging behaviors, but that is not an indicator that we are doing the wrong thing. Self-sabotage can manifest in a variety of ways, such as resistance, downplaying, pride, etc. If we recognize these self-sabotaging behaviors, we can resolve them. The path begins right
where you are now. If you know that change needs to be made in your life, it is okay if you are far away from your goal or if you cannot yet conceive how you will arrive. It is okay if you are starting at the beginning. It is okay if you are at rock bottom and cannot yet see your way through. It is okay if you are at the foot of your mountain and have failed every time you’ve tried to overcome it.
Human beings are guided by comfort. They stay close to what feels familiar and reject what doesn’t, even if it’s objectively better for them. Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked and understood. It doesn’t matter. The people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. You’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward. Instead of being liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of being understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Remaining attached to your old life is the first and final act of self-sabotage, and releasing it is what we must prepare for to truly be willing to see real change. Overcoming self-sabotage is not about trying to figure out how to override your impulses; it is first determining why those impulses exist in the first place.
Chapter 3 talks about how our triggers can help us develop a deeper understanding of ourselves. This chapter also goes over how we can interpret and figure out what our negative emotions are trying to teach us.
We need to validate our needs to move away from our patterns of self-sabotage. The more we feel our feelings and validate them, the better we will be at letting them go. Our feelings and our mind are trying to communicate with us. If we can recognize how we are self-sabotaging, we can dig deeper into what our subconscious mind is trying to tell us.
Your instinct is knowing what to do in the present moment. Your instinct is different from fear because it is not alarming or loud. Your instinct is quiet and calm. Your instinct goes hand-in-hand with your intuition. The more in-tune we are with ourselves, the better we can listen to our intuition. Intuitive thoughts are not intrusive thoughts. Our instinct and intuition get better the more we listen and act on them.
Chapter 4 Speaks on building emotional intelligence. This chapter also highlights how complex the human mind is and how it is antifragile. Our brains have the ability to sabotage achieving our goals or getting what we want. The dopamine wears off when we get what we want leading us to want more. This can lead us to self-sabotage when we are close to getting what we want. Being in the state of wanting is easier than being in the state of having. The state of having can lead to the state of losing. Therefore, because having might lead to losing, we feel more comfortable remaining in the state of wanting. Actually having something brings up fears of what could possibly happen if we lose it. The fear of losing what we have is scary enough to derail our progress and to cause us not to want something. Our brains are in charge of what we pay attention to and what we ignore.
Change happens in microshifts. Microshifts are small actions that we take. Long-lasting change is not caused by one big action, but many small actions. We do not come to realizations based on one thought but on many thoughts and perspective shifts. Change is sustainable when it comes in small doses. Otherwise, our brains can discern a big change as threatening, causing us to revert to our old ways.
Psychic thinking, logical lapses, faulty inferences, and worrying are all ways our brain uses to predict the future and keep us safe. We need to be aware of these ways of thinking to recognize when we are implementing them.
Chapter 5 details the art of letting go.
We must face and accept our trauma in order to overcome it. Oftentimes, we are unable to accept how much an experience has affected us which prolongs the healing process. When we are able to accept our trauma, we can let go of it. Trauma and an emotional backlog can affect our minds and bodies. It can cause us to not fully feel our emotions; to be fearful of the future, and to feel aches and pains in our bodies. We need to release our emotions in physical ways in order to alleviate the emotional backlog.
Healing your mind is not the same thing as healing your body. When you’re physically wounded, you often go through a progressive, linear repair. You get better until one day you are nearly back to where you were before. Healing your mind is completely different, because you aren’t returning to what you were before. You are gutting yourself and becoming someone entirely new. If that seems a little bit violent and harsh, it should. Healing is not a lovely ascension into comfort and wellness to be experienced once and forevermore. Healing yourself is the most uncomfortable, disruptive, important thing you will ever do.
Our healing and commitment to moving forward needs to be based on our desires, and not on getting revenge. We will not find success when we base our healing on revenge. If our desire is to gain recognition in order to make someone regret how they treated us, then our healing is based on revenge. We have to let go of the need for revenge in order to fully heal. Moving forward means shedding the old to make space for the current. It is finding closure in your past, and to let go of needing other people’s approval. Moving forward is finding approval within ourselves, and loving our lives for what they truly are and how they feel.
Chapter 6 details the how of building a new future. Connecting with our future highest potential selves can help clarify our goals, the habits we need to implement, and the ways we need to change. It can help us create a plan and tap into our vision of what we want our life to be like, especially since we know what our life could be like. Emotional validation is a powerful tool that can help build our relationships with others and with ourselves. Validating our own feelings can be freeing and help us move past them. Validating other people’s feelings can help affirm them and build them up.
We need to get clear on our principles and life purpose. If we do not have our own set of principles, we will end up feeling lost and discontent about life. We will end up chasing or going after goals that do not align or come naturally to us. Having a clear set of principles and a deep awareness of our life purpose can motivate us to become our best selves. It can help motivate us to move forward with confidence and act in the ways that align with our highest selves.
Chapter 7 reminds us that controlling your emotions instead of suppressing them is key. Inner peace is an inner knowing that everything will work out. Mental strength is a key component of our self-mastery. We must gain the mental strength to master our thoughts and actions.
Self-mastery is about fun stuff, too. Self-mastery opens us up to truly enjoying life.
Expand your mind, thoughts, and ideas. Commit to learning as often as possible. Learning can bring a lot of joy and contentment into your life. Rise to the challenge and shift your perspective on them. Challenges can be great opportunities to build yourself up and to transform. Be aware of how you spend your time. Recognize what you invest your energy into. Spend time doing nothing. Take a break. Make time to have fun. Do things that bring you joy. To become masters of ourselves, we need to accept the fact that our life is our responsibility. Life doesn’t just happen to us. We play a role in how we respond to what happens to us. Self-mastery takes time, energy, discipline, and commitment. Becoming our best, highest selves affects us and the people around us. The mountains we climb and conquer will teach us lessons that will help us become our best selves many times over.